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this is me
Jul. 20th, 2008
![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/os/triangles/confused.gif){kind=small}
confused03:02 am - how heavy the days...
how heavy the days are.
there's not a fire that can warm me,
not a sun to laugh with me,
everything bare,
everything cold and merciless,
and even that beloved, clear
stars look desolately down,
since i learned in my heart
love can die.
hermann hesse
Jul. 15th, 2008
08:33 pm
good idea brian had on the bus: emergency nooses.
you know, that come out of a ceiling compartment.
only because we were listening to a 17 yr old tell an estimated 45 yr old how good he is at video games for the entirety of the trip. just a half hour. still.
a bus really would be the first and last place i'd want to die.
Jul. 14th, 2008
05:25 pm
horrible day. nothing worked. liked watching eagles. but i have to redo this monday next monday. and i didn't get paid. girl's got s ta get paid.
the wind is keeping me alive. and hooked on a feeling.
Jul. 12th, 2008
Jul. 10th, 2008
04:37 pm
bonny - only someone running
Only someone running would run right into me
Unless that someone was someone free like me
There are things I will not do
I will even be mean and cruel
And I will not stay with you
unless you give me all of yourself
When I was a sandy blue
and friendship dwelled in western true
Smokin pill and lovely too
That was before you gave a view
We'll make a future dream be ours
Through your eyes I swallow flowers
and disdain the winter showers
choosing then to bathe in you
And I sing evil, I sing good
I sing as a seagull should
And if you melted then I would
melt myself all into you
Can you love the one that God does?
Can you love the lily of the field?
Can you tend the soil inside of her
till all has been revealed?
whistling
And I sing evil, I sing good
I sing as a seagull should
And if you melted then I would
melt myself all into you
Can you love the one that God does (can you love the one that God does)?
Can you love the lily of the field (can you love the lily of the field)?
Can you tend the soil inside of her (can you tend the soil inside her)
till all has been revealed?
02:15 pm
i waited for the sun but it might as well be clouds. work was busy yesterday. and there's mango sorbet. it's real swell.
i had to see will; i obsessed about it. now i feel like an idiot, a lunatic and a half-dead baby. how does my heart still get ripped out? as emotionless as i feel i'm even more vulnerable.
and to think i was hopeful for about a day.
Jul. 8th, 2008
01:23 am
i don't call it pressure because it's from the inside working out
or not
something is in me and it's not what i ...
i don't relate to any fucker's language
what i'm feeling is opposite of anyone; changing current sometimes cycle: anxiety, sadness and blankness and fake anger to myself
i'm freaked out by everything i say
human contact is horrifying
everything is meaningless but hurts very bleakly; i don't know if it's pain
i have never been in love and never will but this isn't about that and i don't want to be in love anyway
my back hurts and i want to be in a wheelchair and maybe with cancer and get this fucking shit over with.
haha i'll never get off again
i love being alone because i'm not scared
i hate being alone because i'm alone.
Jul. 6th, 2008
04:06 am
i really hate my parents.
reading bukowski might make you a [better] person.
Jul. 2nd, 2008
11:56 pm
i've been watching the death cycle of a pumpkin since i moved into aloha. it's slow but not boring.
one load of laundry has taken nearly 12 hours. i assumed the dryer would work even though the washer didn't. can it be that a janky washer needs a janky dryer? fuck holes.
03:49 pm - my monday
it was wretched getting up this morning. i had disturbing dreams. though i'd rather be there than awake. i managed to stretch and clean and i can't say that i'm happy but i'm slightly more comfortable.
i needed to clean my work shirt so i attempted to do a load of laundry today. what a dreary thing. i go back down when i think it might be done. it's stopped and there are even 33 minutes left. i eventually have to sit down there when it has 15 minutes left because it will quit if i go up to my apartment. so i read and listen to it make a million shaking sounds. when it's done it won't open. but it finally does after i cuss it out enough. here's to today. at least it's hot. it's so much better when people are miserable in the heat and i'm fine then when i'm miserable in the cold and everone's fine.
i hate when people laugh really loud at nothing because they don't know how to shut up. it's so hard to smile
Jul. 1st, 2008
11:32 am
you are the only one that makes me feel comfortable now. but get out of my head.
i'm going to be laying down if you'd like to call.
xoxo
crumbles
Jun. 30th, 2008
11:56 pm - people have babies because of it
no discoveries yet; feel disqualified with absence. actually, i can walk as far as taken.
am of no real use -- feel deserving -- though alone -- without anyone.
all together is distant and echoing with familiarity. always there but proven only a few times
alone is too real (true).
09:26 pm - for the sake of momentum
hmm. no boyfriend, no alcohol .. what .. do ..i ..do?
![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/os/triangles/blank.gif){kind=small}
blankJun. 26th, 2008
Jun. 24th, 2008
12:45 am - monday, monday
dudemansir, i shuddered: you had the gall to gawk at my caffeine headache. only fiends get headaches, probably. ENOUGH
H: would you rather loose three of your hobbies or loose your sex drive?
L: well, i don't have either.
H: that's sad.
Jun. 14th, 2008
Jun. 13th, 2008
03:52 pm - i'm glad the sun came to lunch
it's friday the thirteenth and i'm going to be serving ice cream tonight.
13
spill
doom
crouton
tether-ball
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