this is me

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 22:58:23 GMT

i'm trying to embrace confusion. it's more fun?

how heavy the days...

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:05:19 GMT

how heavy the days are.
there's not a fire that can warm me,
not a sun to laugh with me,
everything bare,
everything cold and merciless,
and even that beloved, clear
stars look desolately down,
since i learned in my heart
love can die.

hermann hesse

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 06:40:52 GMT

i hate when people use whilst.

fuck, god damn

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:34:16 GMT

good idea brian had on the bus: emergency nooses.

you know, that come out of a ceiling compartment.

only because we were listening to a 17 yr old tell an estimated 45 yr old how good he is at video games for the entirety of the trip. just a half hour. still.

a bus really would be the first and last place i'd want to die.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:26:37 GMT

horrible day. nothing worked. liked watching eagles. but i have to redo this monday next monday. and i didn't get paid. girl's got s ta get paid.

the wind is keeping me alive. and hooked on a feeling.

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 19:02:34 GMT

after this summer i shouldn't try to do customer service again.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:37:49 GMT

bonny - only someone running

Only someone running would run right into me
Unless that someone was someone free like me

There are things I will not do
I will even be mean and cruel
And I will not stay with you
unless you give me all of yourself

When I was a sandy blue
and friendship dwelled in western true
Smokin pill and lovely too
That was before you gave a view

We'll make a future dream be ours
Through your eyes I swallow flowers
and disdain the winter showers
choosing then to bathe in you

And I sing evil, I sing good
I sing as a seagull should
And if you melted then I would
melt myself all into you
Can you love the one that God does?
Can you love the lily of the field?
Can you tend the soil inside of her
till all has been revealed?

whistling

And I sing evil, I sing good
I sing as a seagull should
And if you melted then I would
melt myself all into you
Can you love the one that God does (can you love the one that God does)?
Can you love the lily of the field (can you love the lily of the field)?
Can you tend the soil inside of her (can you tend the soil inside her)
till all has been revealed?

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 21:23:52 GMT

i waited for the sun but it might as well be clouds. work was busy yesterday. and there's mango sorbet. it's real swell.

i had to see will; i obsessed about it. now i feel like an idiot, a lunatic and a half-dead baby. how does my heart still get ripped out? as emotionless as i feel i'm even more vulnerable.

and to think i was hopeful for about a day.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:36:51 GMT

i don't call it pressure because it's from the inside working out
or not
something is in me and it's not what i ...
i don't relate to any fucker's language
what i'm feeling is opposite of anyone; changing current sometimes cycle: anxiety, sadness and blankness and fake anger to myself
i'm freaked out by everything i say
human contact is horrifying
everything is meaningless but hurts very bleakly; i don't know if it's pain
i have never been in love and never will but this isn't about that and i don't want to be in love anyway

my back hurts and i want to be in a wheelchair and maybe with cancer and get this fucking shit over with.
haha i'll never get off again

i love being alone because i'm not scared
i hate being alone because i'm alone.

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 11:07:06 GMT

i really hate my parents.
reading bukowski might make you a [better] person.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 06:59:52 GMT

i've been watching the death cycle of a pumpkin since i moved into aloha. it's slow but not boring.

one load of laundry has taken nearly 12 hours. i assumed the dryer would work even though the washer didn't. can it be that a janky washer needs a janky dryer? fuck holes.

my monday

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:59:43 GMT

it was wretched getting up this morning. i had disturbing dreams. though i'd rather be there than awake. i managed to stretch and clean and i can't say that i'm happy but i'm slightly more comfortable.

i needed to clean my work shirt so i attempted to do a load of laundry today. what a dreary thing. i go back down when i think it might be done. it's stopped and there are even 33 minutes left. i eventually have to sit down there when it has 15 minutes left because it will quit if i go up to my apartment. so i read and listen to it make a million shaking sounds. when it's done it won't open. but it finally does after i cuss it out enough. here's to today. at least it's hot. it's so much better when people are miserable in the heat and i'm fine then when i'm miserable in the cold and everone's fine.

i hate when people laugh really loud at nothing because they don't know how to shut up. it's so hard to smile

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:43:13 GMT

fuck this fuck this
fuck this

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:33:59 GMT

you are the only one that makes me feel comfortable now. but get out of my head.
i'm going to be laying down if you'd like to call.

xoxo
crumbles

people have babies because of it

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 07:02:53 GMT

no discoveries yet; feel disqualified with absence. actually, i can walk as far as taken.

am of no real use -- feel deserving -- though alone -- without anyone.

all together is distant and echoing with familiarity. always there but proven only a few times

alone is too real (true).

for the sake of momentum

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:27:25 GMT

hmm. no boyfriend, no alcohol .. what .. do ..i ..do?

stupid fucking day

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 09:10:31 GMT

it's over. i think.

monday, monday

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:51:45 GMT

dudemansir, i shuddered: you had the gall to gawk at my caffeine headache. only fiends get headaches, probably. ENOUGH

H: would you rather loose three of your hobbies or loose your sex drive?

L: well, i don't have either.

H: that's sad.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 21:25:46 GMT

an adult scoop should weigh one pygmy marmoset (5 oz).

i'm glad the sun came to lunch

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:58:51 GMT

it's friday the thirteenth and i'm going to be serving ice cream tonight.

13
spill
doom
crouton
tether-ball

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:01:48 GMT

you're only as healthy as you feel.

good. good

rainy day in june

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:37:09 GMT

just want to say that this was the most oregon day i've ever seen and i'd rather be in the belly of a whale. not really. but what the crap?

it was that damned youtube

Fri, 30 May 2008 02:44:39 GMT

and them kinks that fouled me up.

i <3 the kinks, though.

i'll talk to you later, butthole.

it's all that you do now

Mon, 26 May 2008 17:37:00 GMT

i'm set free by the velvet underground makes me feel great.

i can't stop listening to it. it and jigsaw puzzle by the rolling stones.

haha why'd i say that.

reborn

Sat, 24 May 2008 19:09:34 GMT

how does anybody in there twenties write something of substance that isn't complete bs? they had to have experienced much early in life.

i have urges to write. but i have to do it later. if i'm old i'll have experienced and i will also be more patient to organize my thoughts. for now i'll observe.

this is what i know now:

fucking up is way more easy than not. i love myself no matter what; that's strange but i revel in it. you can't count on anything but no one can make their way inside your being; your quintessence. i'm glad for that.

i get really bad headaches.